Horoscopes: October 3, 2014

I, Loki the Great, will use my foresight to score each student of St. Olaf a hot date and ensure the daily serving of chocolate macadamia nut cookies in the Caf results may vary.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

After finishing Breaking Dawn, embark on the enigmatic 50 Shades of Grey series. It will change your life and score you points in the bedroom.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Adopt an exotic animal. Llamas and capybaras match well. Beware of armadillos and kangaroos.

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Saturday night is ladies’ night! Loki recommends hitting up the biker bars in Dundas. Find yourself a good ol’ country boy!

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Loki predicts that, as you walk alone through Norway Valley, a bright light will appear to you. These celestial rays will reveal the true location of that attractive Carl you’ve had your eye on.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Break out of your semester routine and pick up a hobby! Loki suggests brewing mead [Editor’s note: off-campus, if you are of age!] or carving celebrities’ faces into apples. Can you think of a better way to celebrate the equinox?

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

October is the month of philanthropy. Treat your favorite Mess writers to a chicken tender melt from the Cage. Loki prefers the pepper-jack cheese.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Hold the door open for a fellow Ole; otherwise Fenrir, the monstrous Norse wolf, will find you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Today is a day of radical change. Throw off the chains of oppression and vie for the St. Olaf presidency. Viva la Revolución!

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Gemini freshmen: Loki realizes you may still be pre-med. Next month you will most likely be pre-PT. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take advantage of these few and glorious years on campus. Roll with the punches.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You are intelligent, gregarious and all-around awesome.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

It’s time to revive that revered St. Olaf tradition: streaking. Get some friends together and meet Loki in front of Buntrock at 9 p.m. It’ll be a beautiful night to go au naturel.

Virgo Aug. – Sept. 22

Switch deodorants. Do it now. Axe Musk body spray is not a valid scent. Looking at you, athletes.