I, Loki the Great, will use my foresight to score each student of St. Olaf a hot date and ensure the daily serving of chocolate macadamia nut cookies in the Caf results may vary.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
After finishing Breaking Dawn, embark on the enigmatic 50 Shades of Grey series. It will change your life and score you points in the bedroom.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Adopt an exotic animal. Llamas and capybaras match well. Beware of armadillos and kangaroos.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Saturday night is ladies’ night! Loki recommends hitting up the biker bars in Dundas. Find yourself a good ol’ country boy!
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Loki predicts that, as you walk alone through Norway Valley, a bright light will appear to you. These celestial rays will reveal the true location of that attractive Carl you’ve had your eye on.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Break out of your semester routine and pick up a hobby! Loki suggests brewing mead [Editor’s note: off-campus, if you are of age!] or carving celebrities’ faces into apples. Can you think of a better way to celebrate the equinox?
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
October is the month of philanthropy. Treat your favorite Mess writers to a chicken tender melt from the Cage. Loki prefers the pepper-jack cheese.
Aries March 21 – April 19
Hold the door open for a fellow Ole; otherwise Fenrir, the monstrous Norse wolf, will find you.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Today is a day of radical change. Throw off the chains of oppression and vie for the St. Olaf presidency. Viva la Revolución!
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Gemini freshmen: Loki realizes you may still be pre-med. Next month you will most likely be pre-PT. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Take advantage of these few and glorious years on campus. Roll with the punches.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
You are intelligent, gregarious and all-around awesome.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
It’s time to revive that revered St. Olaf tradition: streaking. Get some friends together and meet Loki in front of Buntrock at 9 p.m. It’ll be a beautiful night to go au naturel.
Virgo Aug. – Sept. 22
Switch deodorants. Do it now. Axe Musk body spray is not a valid scent. Looking at you, athletes.