Hey, it’s Armand, Armand Stetson. I’m not mad, I just thought we were on the same page. Here are the horoscopes, I guess, whatever. It’s not like you care.
ARIES You’re on a quest to answer the one really serious philosophical problem: who booty is it? After gathering with the muses (walking past a professor you haven’t had since sophomore year that really didn’t like you that much but you thought they did since you always ranted at them during their office hours about movies or books that you thought were related to your readings, but honestly no matter how hard you try you can’t connect David Lynch to everything–and waving at them), traversing the ruins (going into the Pause when there isn’t a Pause dance), you have discovered it has been your booty all along. You are no man Aries, you are dynamite.
TAURUS You’re going to go door-to-door asking your neighbors if they liked “Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.” Most of them will say “it was fun,” or “I liked parts.” You will feel threatened by these statements, going as far as posting on your blog about how no one seems to understand the intricate and nuanced thematic layers buried beneath the movies early 20th century Parisian aesthetic. After this you will weep into your Rupert Grint body pillow while listening to cast interviews promoting “Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.”
GEMINI You’re, like, really into fast cars.
CANCER You’re going to try it the ol’ fashion way, ditching Tinder to find your star-crossed lover the right way! You’ll start by releasing your pheromones and using your claws to fan those lovely scents towards prospective mates. After finding a prospective partner, enter into an embrace to know they’re the one for you. It’s spring breeding season, baby!
LEO Last night you dreamed about enchanting moments in your life. But, instead of waking up like a lively lemon you feel a misty mint hang over your eyes. Not much can be said for the orange spice now out of your life, but this morning, just this morning, you hoped that everything would be okay. Perhaps a tropical sunrise really is impossible. You roll back into your pillows and hope to fall back asleep, since only there, will the Farmer Brothers bring you sweet solace.
VIRGO With help from the Piper Center for Vocation and Career, you’ve decided you want to become a Lutheran Pastor. You’re going to connect with a Pastor Alum via the totally radical database that the Piper Center for Vocation and Career has. The Pastor will reveal that the process is relatively easy, all you need to do is commit the Five Ultimate Sins. You ask, nonchalantly, what these five sins could be? The pastor, with that magic glow in their eyes, reveals them: 1. Put ice in your milk (special shout out to Kimmy Kat). 2. Say “Yeah, I honestly think ‘La La Land’ should have won best film at the 89th Academy Awards.” 3. Take a nap past 9:00 p.m. 4. Kill the Easter Bunny.
5. Make a joke about making a joke about making a joke about how it’s a dry campus, with a beer in your hand.
LIBRA You should probably start hoarding VHS tapes for the coming VHS wars. “You know, people worry about the oil wars and water wars, but why does nobody talk about the VHS wars?” is something you probably said.
SCORPIO Try to imagine if your favorite professor was a weeaboo (into anime, like REALLY into anime). Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I like anime, but just think about it.
SAGITTARIUS You’re going to think about how everyone dies alone but in turn think longer about how no one is able to really live entirely with another person. The very fact that our individual consciousnesses are forever trapped in these wet bones means you will never truly be with another person.
CAPRICORN Your skin makes me cry.
AQUARIUS You’re going to overhear a man say “…and the Octopus was Phenomenal,” and you’re going to think long and hard about what made that octopus so phenomenal.
PISCES: A Horoscope in Three Acts
Pisces – You.
Grill – A small man with rubber toes.
Tree – Doesn’t make a sound.
Scene I. A rock off the coast of Portland, Maine
Pisces: Everyone has wet dreams.
Scene II. Perelandra
Scene I. Laocoön and His Sons
Grill visits his Farmor who is struggling with Alzheimers and was recently at the hospital for dehydration. He takes her to coffee, buys her a new hat, then cleans her dishes.
Scene I. Trapped in stained glass
Pisces: I’m going to the city!
Grill: *Does a crab dance*.