A guide for dealing with grief: a tanking team’s lament

If you’re like me, your favorite season is football season. Other sports are all fine and dandy, but there’s just something magical about seeing your favorite team run out onto that gridiron every Sunday. The crack of a strong tackle and the euphoria of a touchdown are things you’ve been waiting for all season. All of those draft picks and free agent signings are sure to push your team over the edge. Without a doubt, this is your year!

However, loyal reader, we must not forget the true nature of this game we love. The football gods are malevolent and cruel, demanding constant sacrifice. No matter how good you think your team is, they will always disappoint you. Everything is awful. Why should you even care? Nothing matters anymore. Life is nothing more than a never-ending cycle of false hope, disappointment and pain.

But wait! What is that? Could it be? Light at the end of the tunnel? Bengals fans, emerge from your striped cave! Falcons fans, rise from your red and black nests! Giants, Dolphins, Jets and all other disenfranchised fans, rise with us, for there is hope after all!

Thanks to all that losing and trading away of your best players, you’ll get a top draft pick, ensuring you a generational talent. That general manager who has destroyed your team so far is sure to choose the right player! What gives you any reason to mistrust him? Without a doubt, that pick will turn into a franchise player, not a bust! And when he becomes that franchise player, your team definitely won’t suddenly became penny-pinching pieces of s**t! They will without a doubt pay him what he deserves, and will not let him go all out for your team’s division rival! I mean who in their right mind would do that?

With your team bolstered by a new draft class and the free agent signings that your excellent and definitely not incompetent general manager is sure will secure a winning season, victory is within grasp. Why stop there? I guarantee a playoff win, followed shortly by your team hoisting the Lombardi trophy. You won’t be a perennial basement dweller in the league. Definitely not. Years of pain are not in your future, only success and happiness!