Hannah Hasseler ’20 & Solveig Haines ’20
Dear Honeys on the Hill,
I’m not in the right mindset for a relationship right now but I have… erm…. needs that need to be met. As a woman, I feel like it’s hard to ask for what I want. I have a few people that I would like to be physically intimate with in mind, but I don’t know how to bring up the subject. I’m scared of being rejected and making things awkward. I could ignore my needs, but in 2020 I’m trying to be more kind to myself.
Horny on the Hill
Dear Horny on the Hill,
We get it. Horniness can be so distracting and blinding. The first thing we would advise is not dismissing the power of addressing your own needs. It can be very fun and empowering to learn your own body through masturbation. If you learn what you like first on your own, it will be easier to communicate to future partners what gets you going in the bedroom. You can visit websites like Bellesa, which features female empowering porn and erotica for free and a lot of different categories, or you can use your own active imagination. Experiment with your hands or (safe) toys. All that being said, there are some aspects of sexual experience that cannot be met by oneself. It can be fun and satisfying to figure out your turn-ons with someone else. If you do want to approach someone else about hooking up outside of a relationship, here are some things to remember:
- The sooner and more clearly you articulate your intentions, the better. You might think it is too straightforward to state from the very beginning that you are just looking for a casual hookup situation, but it will save both parties a lot of confusion down the line.
- Example: “I want to be up-front with you that I am not looking to date right now, but I am very attracted to you and would be interested in pursuing something casual.”
- If they express interest as well, make sure to set clear boundaries for what both of your expectations are. These expectations can change as you start to experiment, so keep the lines of communication open.
- Hookup culture in a heterosexual context is not typically geared toward female pleasure. You deserve to feel satisfied. You will need to define what pleasure means for you, and how your sexual partner can help you feel satisfied. Ask questions and stay curious.
- For example: “I like when you do … ” , “Does it feel good when I … ?”
- Experiencing rejection is healthy. It builds character. The more it happens the easier it can get.
- If the people you are interested in are in your close circle of friends, take some serious time to think about what this could mean for your friendship and your friend group.
- There will be awkward moments. Such is life and sex.
Keep being honest and trust your gut.
Honeys on the Hill