I spend a lot of time on tinder scaring people away. 

To be fair, I am a very innocent looking girl with… a lot of kinks.  But there’s so many misconceptions (and memes) about the world of BDSM, it can be hard to even begin introducing it. So here I am, sharing, — anonymously — with all of you, my unsolicited two cents.  

The BDSM community gets a bad reputation as a place where dominatrices shake down desperate men for money, pedophiles roam, and misogynistic men get to fulfill their woman-hating dreams. And yes, there are certainly a lot of creeps who disguise their perversion and toxic fantasies as kinks, but if you’re considerate and careful, kinks can be an amazing, safe way to get to know yourself and your partner.

The amount of connection, communication, and consent necessary to properly pull off a kinky encounter is incredible. Sure, it can be a pain starting over with a new partner, having to build up that trust from scratch, but honestly, I think it’s worth it. I have had some of the most intimate moments of my life guided by the consent culture of kinks. I mean, physically intimate of course, but also emotionally and psychologically intimate. It has allowed me to get in touch with my own sexuality, sexual orientation, desires, and confidence.  

I suffer from severe anxiety, and I don’t have a great relationship with my own body. Like many women in our society, I am heavily critical of my appearance — weight, skin, everything. So sexual intimacy has never come naturally to me. I even have a hard time allowing myself to have sexual desires. There’s probably some internalized sexism in there somewhere. But nothing makes me feel sexier than truly embracing my own desires, and sharing them with a partner. 

I often think I’m a bad feminist. I mean, what’s less feminist than my deepest desire being submitting completely to a man?  But there’s something very freeing about allowing yourself to play into those societal norms, to consent to the very thing I fight every day. Because it’s on my terms, and I consent to it, it feels amazing to simply let go.   

So yes, learning to tie knots like an Irish fisherman is fun, but the most important part of BDSM is communication and a connection to your partner, and that’s what makes it the most rewarding.  


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