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Teague’s top ten tips to avoid the draft (If there is ever another one)


Our forebears were very passionate about this country. They fought and died in order to ensure our freedoms. But would our generation fight and die for the United States?

Personally, I would enlist if Wisconsin wanted to storm the Upper Peninsula and put Michigan in its place, but I wouldn’t want to fight and die for the U.S., especially not if the government was trying to force me. Do you feel the same? Are you unsure of how best to dodge the draft? Well, look no further! 


I’ve compiled a list of ten of the best ways to avoid the draft — at the end of the day, any way is a good way!


  1. Run. Unlike Pub Safe, the government can chase you, but not if you run fast enough! Just flee to Canada, they’re nearby and I feel like they probably won’t snitch.


  1. Maim yourself. During past wars millions of Americans died. What’s more valuable, your entire life or your right foot? (Caution: The government might still be able to draft you to be a drone operator.


  1. Lobotomy. For those of us afraid of being drafted to commit war crimes on a computer in a quiet room, a lobotomy is the way to go. The government can’t force you to kill people if you’re incapable of doing anything!


  1. Fake your own death. Would you rather die here than overseas? Fake your own death so you don’t have to die anywhere! (Note: This will cause problems with the IRS later.)


  1. Fake bone spurs. If it worked for Donald Trump it could work for you!


  1. Hide. It’s like extreme hide and seek with really really really high stakes.


  1. Trick your younger sibling into going in your place. Your parents wouldn’t have had multiple kids if they didn’t think at least one of you would be expendable. You’ve been a good older sibling, they owe you this!


  1. Become an enemy sympathizer. The FBI is watching us all. Just start posting some questionable things online that make them doubt your allegiance to the United States. Don’t try to encourage treason and get yourself thrown in jail, just make it clear you’re a wild card and they might not want to test you.


  1. Get pregnant. This one won’t work for everyone. The government won’t draft you if you’re pregnant, — if they come knocking, go get knocked up!


  1. Pretend you’re asleep. They might try to wake you up but just keep pretending. You can’t go off to war if you’re asleep!


Good luck!

Teague Peterson-McGuire is from Oconomowoc, Wisc

His majors are film and media studies, and Nordic studies.


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