Ahh, slowly but surely, the flowers are blooming, the snow is melting, the grass is turning green and there’s the sweet smell of fresh rain and Malt-O-Meal in the air. You may think you are completely safe, and there is no danger lurking around the corner, not when the birds are singing so sweetly. Wrong. As young adults, you and your friends are at high risk of becoming… *duh duh duh* TWITTERPATED.
Defined as “excited or overcome by romantic feelings; smitten,” the American Medical Association has yet to recognize being twitterpated as a true disease. We do know that it disproportionately infects young adults, and strikes most commonly during the spring.
According to Friend Owl in the 1942 Disney classic “Bambi,” “Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime.” And you know, “It can happen to anybody. So you’d better be careful.” Symptoms of being Twitterpated may include:
1. Floating across the quad in a dream-like trance.
2. Buying a surplus of Friday flowers (and I’m not talking carnations, I’m talking orchids).
3. Tracking your crush through the library by the smell of their cologne or perfume.
4. Spontaneously announcing to your friends, that your significant other is “the One!”
5. Having the strange urge to burst out singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.”
6. Realizing that everyone on campus is actually very attractive now that they’ve shed their winter coats.
7. Flirting with prospies (and not just because you’re trying to convince them to attend St. Olaf).
8. Humming “I Feel Pretty” from Leonard Bernstein’s hit musical, “West Side Story,” as you look at yourself in the mirror.
9. Refreshing the St. Olaf Flirts Facebook every two minutes, hoping you’ll see one for you.
10. Being filled with an unmerited swell of hope and optimism.
Please be watching for these symptoms. Twitterpation is highly contagious. If you or a loved one is exhibiting symptoms, please take them to the nearest health professional immediately. They may be at great risk. There is no cure or vaccine. Once they’ve started flirting with prospies, it is too late. Prevention is the only way we can hope to escape a mass epidemic on the Hill. Be safe out there.
Having trouble navigating the St. Olaf dating scene? Need help finding a date? Got more dates than you can handle? Or have a response to this week’s column? E-mail your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org and maybe one of our love columnists will answer them in next week’s issue. All submitted questions will remain anonymous.