When the moon hits the pie like a small, little guy, that’s Armand Stetson. Hey everybody, welcome to another semester of horoscopes from me, Armand. Let’s just dive right in, like your father made you dive into the swampy community pool over and over. Every day he would have you do this, hoping you would become the high school state diving champion like he was many years ago.
ARIES – Your crunch is coming over later, better be good to them. Throw some cloves and parsley into your eyes then imagine Hagrid hairless from the neck down.
TAURUS – Hey, Taurus! I heard you got into anime over interim. What’s that? What do you mean you binge-watched Yu-Gi-Oh! On Netflix? What the heck is a trap card? Get outta here Taurus, these horoscopes are a strict Pokémon zone only! Geesh, sorry about that folks, we’ll give Taurus a time out, now back to our regular evening programming.
GEMINI – You should trust your instincts more, Gemini. Go do what must be done, Gemini! Go to the ice rink, bring a mattress, and lay yourself atop it on the ice, screaming that you are stranded in the ocean. I know this is what your heart aches for, and if you don’t do it you won’t be the bestiest best version of yourself.
CANCER – Ernie Anders.
LEO – Did you, did you do it? My god, Leo! Did you really accept the heart of Nyarlathotep and succumb to their crawling chaos? You don’t have much time, quickly, go to the Center for Art and Dance, scribble silly pictures of your dog and your friends, then pray to Nippleback for redemption.
VIRGO– It’s international Virgo Carnival Day! Hurray! What was your favorite carnival moment? Mine was when I entered into the Scary Dark Ride and was mauled by a rat :)! “Oh mother of pearl, I wouldn’t trade you for another girl.”
LIBRA – “Hi, Libra here. It was noon, a rainy day like every day when you’re in this line of work. She stumbled into my office, tripping on her seventy-three legs. God, they were beautiful. If only I could touch them, but I’m a fish, living in a bowl. My cigarette gleamed with washed out memories, and God did I want her.”
A phone book, stretching out
A washer full of eggshells
My bag is an eggshell
I AM AN EGGSHELL
SAGITTARIUS – You’ve uncovered the secret art of bone sounds. Now that you are equipt with the knowledge of bone sounds, you are able to tell others how their bones sound when they move.
CAPRICORN – You smell like roofies and my dog is gonna eat ya.
AQUARIUS – A crystalline blanket moves you towards a fateful day. Bask in the summer salts of mahogany thrush. Then, carefully brush your fur coat and ears with a new covenant in my blood, given and shed for you, do this in remembrance of me.
PISCES – Welcome to the first ever Horoscope Choose Your Own Adventure: Pisces Edition. After the tone, you will be given two options, with the results of your choice included in the next horoscope issue:
You are abroad in [insert European country] and are getting sick of the local food. You decide to eat at a Hard Rock Cafe, but remember that you didn’t take the time to learn any [insert European language]. What will you point to at the menu when the waiter asks what you want to eat?
[Point at what looks like rice.]
[Point at the bottle of wine, since you haven’t posted on your travel blog in a few hours and know how much attention you will get by drinking in a country with a lower legal drinking age.]
Looking to connect your aura with Armand’s? They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.