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Aries: Zip up your zippers and button up your pants. If a lover sees you naked this week, your relationship will be short-lived.

Taurus: Uranus is all up in Taurus nowadays, you know what that means: It’s time to take your finest theology book (might I recommend some John Caputo?) and burn it at the obelisk behind Hill-Kitt. Thank me later.

Gemini: The Ugly Truth is that He’s Just Not That Into You; prepare for The Break-up, this is your Two Weeks Notice; Definitely-Maybe.

Cancer: Damn! Put on your best pair of pants this Friday because you’ve got a granny-smith ass.

Leo: You will find your AirPods this week. You will find your AirPods this week. You will find your Airpods this week.

Virgo: Rip you.

Libra: I know you’ve been going through a lot recently. Buy someone who has been there for you a Friday flower this week, because capitalism can heal all wounds.

Scorpio: Take time to meditate on the impact of John Stamos on your own sexual development; then ask out the person with the finest flow in all of your Zoom classes.

Sagittarius: Spend more time in Buntrock than you spend in Regents this week; honestly, this isn’t even a horoscope, Regents majors just suck.

Capricorn: Capricorns tend to be somewhat pessimistic — I need you to up your pessimism by about 100! Have you seen the world lately?!

Aquarius: The friend group drama you’re going through right now will pass shortly – and everyone will be stronger because of it!

Pisces: The most important thing you can do for the next seven days is RECYCLE. Every item you recycle this week will come back to you as positive energy in 2024.