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Heartbeat: Advice for the couple that needs to break up


Andrew Mazariegos-Ovalle/The Olaf Messenger


By Dr. Lovegood ’69


Hello, my lovelies! I know, I know — I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been slowing down in my old age, but I still love giving you lovelies advice for all things relationships on The Hill.


As the school year winds down, I see so many couples break up. And couples who probably should break up stay together.  It’s always so messy. Let me walk you through the best way to break up with your current flame.


The Decision. First you need to decide if you actually should break up with them. There are three main questions you should ask yourself. 1) How long have you been dating for? 2) How happy has the relationship made you lately? 3) What do you think the future of the relationship will look like?


The main reason I ask this first question is because there is more reason to break off a newer relationship than a long-term one. A small fight can end up in a breakup for a fresh relationship, but it is likely just a bump in the road for a long-term relationship.


Now, if your relationship isn’t providing you with joy, happiness, or love — and you can’t foresee a change in the future — it’s time to reevaluate and decide if the effort you put into your relationship is worth it.


Would you benefit from taking a break, seeing other people, and then re-evaluating the state of your relationship? Do you just need space for a week or two? Or is it time to finally end it?


The Location. So you’ve decided to break up with them. What’s next? Finding the perfect location.


Stav, the Natural Lands, Boe Chapel, their bedroom. Don’t do it there. Those are the worst places to get broken up with.


You need to find neutral territory that’s not super public. I know that’s hard to find on our small campus. But trust me, you don’t want to have to awkwardly walk back with them. Always provide an easy escape. For you or for them.


I know their dorm room – or yours – might seem ideal, but it’s no fun having those memories attached to your own bedroom, your safe space.


The Delivery. Once you decide where, you should decide what to say. To keep in short it and to the point, or do you want to give a lengthy explanation on why? Once again, how long you’ve been seeing the person may affect how much you say to them.


Talk about the good times and positive parts of the relationship, but also remember what went wrong. Be nice to them about it, unless they cheated on you. You can be a bit mean then.


And if this is a long-distance relationship breakup, consider breaking up over the phone. It is no fun getting excited for a visit from your significant other just to have them break your heart. Also there is no easy way to escape this. You don’t want to waste your time visiting them or spend your whole visit knowing what’s to come at the end. Sure, no break-sex, but maybe that’s a good thing. Spare the waste of time, and just call them.


The Aftermath. So, you’ve done it. You have one less weight on your shoulders. Let me remind you that this is a small campus with only 11 miles of sidewalks and four miles of roads. You’ll definitely see them again. Just take a deep breath and accept the fact that there is bound to be an awkward interaction in the orange chicken line. You’ll both find love again. Don’t fret.



Dr. Lovegood ’69, Specialist in All Things Amorous


Want more advice from Dr. Lovegood? Email, and they’ll pass the message along to the Specialist.

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