Scroll Top

Dumpster fires of the NFL

Alright folks, we’re back for round two. It’s time to once again dive headfirst into the league of legally permissible gladiatorial combat that is the NFL. But have no fear loyal readers (and by loyal readers, I mean my mom. Hi mom!), we have gotten through the hell that is analyzing the good teams. We have choked down our metaphorical vegetables. Now we get to look at the dumpster fires of the league, the teams that are going nowhere fast and should feel bad about it. This week, we get to make fun of the five worst teams in the league and relish every moment of it. Now, without further ado, let us begin.

5. Miami Dolphins

If a month ago someone told me that this iteration of the Miami Dolphins would only be the fifth worst team in the league, I would’ve laughed them out of the room. Without any doubt, this is a team that is actively trying to lose. The product they had been presenting every Sunday could barely have been called football. There were discussions of whether or not this team could beat the college program the Alabama Crimson Tide, and there were legitimate points being made against a Miami victory if that game had ever taken place. But then … to the horror of Dolphins fans worldwide, their team started winning. They rattled off two successive wins, the first against the admittedly horrible Jets, but the week after that they shockingly topped the Indianapolis Colts, a team that many thought were legitimate contenders in the AFC. This was all wrong. This wasn’t part of the plan. This team had literally the past 9 months selling off all of their bet pieces, only for it to backfire. I am so sorry, Dolphins fans. The first overall pick is gone. Unless his most recent injury destroys his draft stock, dreams of getting Alabama QB Tua Tungaviloa are all but dead. The football gods are cruel, heartless bastards.

4. New York Jets

Why anyone ever has any faith in this team to do well is beyond me. For God’s sake, they’re the Jets. I’m pretty sure that there’s a clause in every Jets contract that explicitly requires underperforming and disappointing the greater fans across the greater New York area. This team made such flashy moves over the offseason, signing the likes of CJ Mosely and Le’veon Bell. These signings along with a Sam Darnold with a year of experience was supposed to propel them into contention. But then because Jets they fired the GM who handed out those contracts right after he had done their whole draft and everything went to crap. Then because this team is apparently run by a gaggle of squirrels in suits, they tried to pawn off their best players for pennies on the dollar, even going as far as to promise to not trade them and then immediately turn around and shop them as was the case with star safety Jamal Adams. I pity Jets fans, but I have no sympathy left for the organization. They will forever be the butt fumble of the NFL, but hey at least you aren’t the worst team in NYC.

3. New York Giants

As a lifelong Giants fan, this is extremely painful to write. I want to focus on this team’s upside, how with a few solid free agent signings and a good draft or two, this team could return to its Super Bowl form (which seems oh so very far away now). But if I were to do that, I would only be kidding myself. This team is BAD. And sure, you can blame injuries. Some of the few bright spots on the team such as Saquon Barkely and Sterling Sheppard have been on and off the field this year with injuries, but with everything around them being so putrid I doubt it would make much difference in the long run. I hate to say this so soon after the Mara family cleaned house following the 2017 season with the firing of Ben Macadoo and Jerry Reese, but it might just be that time again. Pat Shurmer and Dave Gettlman have shown an inability to build and manage even a borderline competitive team. With so much young, easily-squandered talent on this team in the likes of Daniel Jones, Dexter Lawrence and Evan Engram (to name only a few), I, as a Giants fan, am not confident in this organizations ability not to ruin it.

2. Washington Redskins

I have taken to calling this team the Deadskins, for that is what this organization is. Dead. This organization has done so much wrong in the Dan Schneider era, it is honestly hard not to despise them. From their refusal to change their name to something that JUST ISN’T A RACIAL SLUR, to the misdiagnosis of Trent Williams’ cancer as “minor,” and something that he doesn’t have to worry about, their sins are numerous. I honestly don’t blame former coach Jay Gruden for having had both feet out the door before they fired him, I would have done the same thing. This organization has no future. Adrian Peterson needs to sign with a different team so that he doesn’t end his Hall of Fame career with this joke of a franchise. Rookie QB Dwayne Haskins will have his potential squandered, and there is no doubt about that in my mind about that. Nothing good will come to this franchise as long as Dan Schneider owns it. Luckily, D.C. has other teams like the Nationals and Capitals to keep them sane, because FedEx Field will be nothing but a desolate wasteland of failure and misery for a long-time coming.

1.Cincinatti Bengals

Surprisingly enough, the worst team in the league has the brightest future of any of these teams. While they haven’t been selling big pieces to acquire more draft picks (mostly because they had no big pieces in the first place), their ineptitude has at this point secured them the first pick in the draft. They will be able to build around that draft pick (hopefully a QB for the sake of fans in Cincinnati), and even though he has been hurt all year, they still do have one of the best receivers in the league in AJ Green. Don’t get me wrong, this team is god awful, just maybe not for much longer. Then again, they are the Bengals, so I’m sure they’ll find some way to royally screw it all up.