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Satire: Bon Appétit removes item after overwhelmingly positive reception

Caf (Courtesy of Marketing and Communications) (2 of 6)

Stav Hall has officially removed its sweet n’ sour chicken due to the popularity of the dish. Bon Appétit had the chicken on the menu alongside fried rice and potstickers for every single meal for six consecutive days. During this time, students chose Bowl line’s chicken over Home line’s grits and over, let’s be honest, everything in Grains. Bone Appetite, having picked up on this favoritism, cut the sweet n’ sour chicken from their menu.
Devon Nielsen ’20, SGA president by day and caf worker by night, explained his personal frustration with Stav Hall’s elimination of the dish.

“Sweet n’ sour chicken was by far my favorite thing to serve at bowl line,” Nielsen said. “People would just light up, and so I’d – and don’t tell anyone this – serve them two pieces of chicken instead of the portioned one. And just for a moment, I felt, not like the president here at Olaf, but like just a friend serving the student body.”

Sources have since revealed that Nielsen’s huge sweet n’ sour chicken servings tipped management off to the appreciation of the dish.

“We were running out of the chicken way too fast,” a Bone Apple Teeth worker said. “Something had to be done. We just knew the students liked the sweet n’ sour chicken too much to keep serving it.”

According to Claire Wash ’21, this is not the first time Boone Apathy has committed such a crime. They have a long history of taking away chai tea machines, switching omelet days to egg bake days, annoyingly not having granola sometimes, depriving students of peanut sauce for two years, having a high ratio of squash to broccoli at the grilled vegetable bar and, in Wash’s case, taking away tiny blueberries.

“In my day, the caf served tiny blueberries for breakfast,” Wash said, referring to the blueberry sauce in the salad line. “I would put it on my oatmeal and mix it in with yogurt and granola and wow, was that good. But one time, I wrote ‘Hey, I love the blueberries,’ on a comment card and the next day, get this, the blueberries were gone. They have not been back since.”

The comment cards on the bulletin board outside of the cafeteria serve as a place for students to lament on their lost favorite foods. Wash admits to writing “Bring blueberries home!!” in different handwritings every day and forcing her friends to add plus-ones. She has since moved on to protesting the elimination of the sweet n’ sour chicken.

“It’s getting ridiculous,” Wash’s friend Grace Peacock ’21 said. “If the caf would just bring back the chicken, or even the tiny blueberries, we could all move on with our lives.”
Bun Ape le Tea head chef Kevin Applecrisp said that the sweet n’ sour chicken will not be coming back any time soon.

“We really understand the student body’s needs,” Applecrisp said. “They may say they want sweet and sour chicken, but in reality, they want the dry, yet somehow undercooked, chicken at grill line for every single meal.”