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Ace advice for amorous affairs


Graphic: Heart doctor Andrew Mazariegos-Ovalle/The Olaf Messenger


With winter’s chill coming on, some of you may be searching for somebody to keep your heart and body warm but lack the rizz to find anyone. If you’re looking for a few tried and true techniques to romance your peers, read on!


  1. Always aim for the ideal relationship: Gomez and Morticia Addams.
  2. Prioritize! Physical intimacy is important, but  shared interests are even more important. The best in-bed activity is agonizing together over a disco communism video game. 
  3. Commit crimes with each other. Spending time doing activities outside of the bonds of society will only deepen the bond you share. 
  4. Communication is key. Use powerpoint presentations to explicitly illustrate your desires.
  5. Get to know their parents. Philosophically. Biblically. Academically. Carnally. Politically.
  6. Invoke spousal privilege to avoid testifying against each other, regardless of marital status (see point three).
  7. Have weekly board meetings on the status of your relationship. 
  8. Aim to confuse others with your relationship as much as possible. Are you close roommates? Co-leaders of a burgeoning student rebellion? Just really committed to the bit?
  9. Fake your death with them. This is an excellent way to avoid student loan debt, criminal charges (see point six), and awkward in-law meetings.
  10. There’s no reason you can’t do so-called “romantic” or “sexual” activities with your friends. Go for a date night out with the dudes! Cuddle with the comrades! Kiss the homies good night! 


Good luck out there, Oles. 

Elias Hanson is from Chaska, Minn. His major is environmental studies.