Bow down, kneel down or hoedown. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re standing and praying, while fully clothed, in the glory of Loki. In this uncontroversial position, you may have a sliver of a chance to comprehend Loki’s infinite wisdom. Pony up the ho ho ho because here comes a downright darkly cheery edition of horoscopes.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Buy a 10-foot tall Chistmas tree and use a printout of your GPA from this semester as the star. That’s right, paste that number to the tippity top of your family’s tree. It probably won’t shine or bring joy or hope to anyone, but at least it’ll be so high up that you won’t have to see it constantly.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Watch Elf and eat a bonbon every time you feel stressed because you’re not doing something constructive with your time. Hopefully by the time the movie ends you’ll be in a food coma and won’t wake up until after finals end.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Jump on that Santa bandwagon. Literally, jump on Santa’s bandwagon of a sleigh and ride that thing until Rudolph’s nose ceases to shine.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
Step 1: Become a secret Santa for the whole school. Step 2: Write a P.O. box love note for everyone from a random Ole. Step 3: Hang up mistletoe literally everywhere around campus. Step 4: Record the biggest makeout session ever recorded in U.S. history. Step 5: Post on YouTube. Step 6: Profit.
Aries March 21 – April 19
Call up Taylor Swift and sternly tell her that she is not special; we all go back to December. Every year.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Get your loved ones a present they’ll truly enjoy. First, get a box. Second, cut a hole in that box. Third, put your junk in that box. By junk I mean favorite memories. You know, pictures, short stories, inside jokes. The hole gives them easier access. Then, have them open the box. That’s the way you do it.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Sharpen a few candy canes with your pointy little incisors. Fuse them to your head in order to make temporary devil horns. Chances are you’ve already spent your entire life imploring any god you know that somehow your finals will be canceled, or at least easy, so you might as well take a chance with Lucifer himself.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Channel the transformed Grinch. Have your heart grow three sizes. You’ll save a bunch of time and energy pumping blood through your veins. Use this newfound energy to steal Christmas, thereby channeling the original Grinch. Everyone loves a bad boy/girl, just not Santa – but who cares, you’ll have enough of everyone else’s presents, and you can use the coal you get from Santa to heat your home.
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Make a dreidel out of clay. Clay Matthews, of the Green Bay Packers, that is. Find a way to get a lock of his golden mane or collect a bunch of his dead skin follicles and make a dreidel of them. Clay’s football prowess will translate into good luck when it comes to taking money from grandma.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Repeat every fourth word, three times. Example: Santa Claus goes ho ho ho, so let it snow snow snow, looks like Van Gogh Gogh Gogh his paintings to be specific, harvest it for dough dough dough, watch your stacks grow grow grow, rain benjamins like throw throw throw, take the fame slow slow slow, here comes Spring’s glow glow glow, fat stacks no mo mo mo, don’t sweat it yo yo yo, snow will again flow flow flow.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Find a surrogate for your stress baby. You may have to pony up quite a bit of dough or just pony up a pony, because imposing your stress on someone else for nine months is costly. However, be wary; once gestation is over, you’ll have a full-blown stress infant.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Loki wishes you only you Scorpios happy holidays! Good luck on finals and please keep reading the Variety page next semester!