Hi, I’m Loki. Am I a god? Probably. Am I a student? A student of being godly, maybe. If you’re just reading this for the first time, then obviously you’ve had bad luck for the past semester and a half, and you don’t care about your friends. If you’re a repeat reader, then I love you, like seriously love you, like seriously will you marry me type of love. Don’t ever leave me. Regardless of whether or not you’ve been a consistent reader, I will still try to give you the best advice for the week ahead. Just remember that I love you and these come from the bottom of my dark little heart.
Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20
It’s that time in the semester when you really need to start buckling down and hitting the books. Stay in the library for 165 hours straight. Don’t move from your seat or you’ll fail every single class. In order to adapt to possible issues that may arise, construct a urine aqueduct that leads to bathroom. That way you won’t need to hold it or use soda bottles. If you have to go number two, however, consider a shoebox.
Aries March 21 – April 19
Money is tight. Time to live off the land. Practice your kitten mewing in order to attract a stray cat. Use the stray cat to hunt down the rat that has been living in your walls for past two months. Train the rat, Rocky-montage style, until the rat is cartoonishly muscular. Then use your freakishly large and increasingly sentient rat to hunt down weaker rats. Buy a small grill from Target and you have yourself a proper meal. Make sure to keep your bruiser of a rat in a docile state because by this point it has the brain power to stage a rat coup.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Take some time to thank your parents for providing a college education. Drop out of school, and use the tuition money you just freed up to buy a nice car. Give your parents the car and tell them you’re suddenly rich. When they pass out due to happiness, sell the car to a drifter for 50 cents on the dollar. You will simulataneously teach your parents a lesson in trust and teach yourself a lesson in business. Congrats! You’re now an economics major!
Gemini May 21 – June 20
You need to spice up your sex life. Put a bowl of pudding in the microwave. Heat that puppy up until it splatters all over the microwave. Scrape some pudding off the sides and smear it on your lips. The more burns the better. Then run outside literally as fast as you can and kiss the nearest metal pole. The kiss will be so electric that you’ll most likely be unable to break the kiss for weeks.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Already behind in a lot of your classes? Loki has the key to success for you. Eat all the keys on your keyboard. You will either experience extreme gastrointestinal discomfort and will be exempt from any work after your extended hospital visit, or you will be deemed insane and sent to a scarier looking college called Minnesota’s Scariest Insane Asylum, which has the tagline: “We Welcome Ghouls.”
Leo July 23 – Aug. 22
Spread some joy. Ever heard of random acts of kindness? Well, try some random acts of blindness. Occassionally close your eyes during unsafe times throughout your day. Falling down the stairs might seem like a joyless act, but just think of how happy people will feel after they peel a broken Ole off the floor of Buntrock.
Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Loki can tell your best friend is sad. Haunt the living soul out of them. Their out-of-body experience will cleanse them of any sadness.
Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
Fame is in your future. Start your 2016 Oscar-award-winning film now. You’re going to need a big star in order to be considered, so hop on a spaceship with A$AP Rocky results will depend on your success of actually getting A$AP Rocky to accompany you. Once you reach a star, you’ll be disappointed to find that it’s made of gas and that you can’t physically bring it back to Earth. However, hopefully the onboard footage of your doomed journey will make it back to earth, and everyone will praise your bravery while they will also criticize your cinematic decision to die.
Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Everyone is too stressed. Tell all the pre-med kids that in order to get into medical school, they need to run through the caf butt naked while screaming their deepest darkest secrets. Trust me, it’ll be transformative for everyone.
Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Be a hero. Secretly blare “All-Star” by Smashmouth throughout all the academic buildings until people start smashing themselves in the mouth out of annoyance. Then publically shut off the music to the cheers and applause and incoherent mumblings of your peers.
Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Flash the opposing team during Friday’s basketball game. They will be so surprised by the size of your ego that’ll they’ll be too distracted to play.
Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Inject yourself with midichlorians and become a jedi.