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Horoscopes: May 1, 2015

Fee-fi-fo-yum. Get ready to hobble and gobble your way through this tiny leprechaun’s refuse. Is there a pot of gold at the end of this black and white rainbow? Um, think again. There is a pot, but it leads to the deepest darkest part of Narnia. The part good ol’ C.S. couldn’t publish without getting an NC-17 rating. You can fight your way out, but you’ll never be able to shake the feeling that you’re cursed. See you on the other side. The other side of the pillow. Wake up; you’re dreaming.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

There’s nothing more sexy than a dolled-up big toe. That spring air has got your big toe’s derrière saying, “I wish I had more hair.” Grant thy toe’s request. Place the sickest wig on your toe’s head before it takes control of your body. Then draw an incredibly creepy smile on its toenail. A smile so creepy it makes even the Joker say, “please sir, may I not have some more?” Everyone will be oddly attracted to only your toe. At least it’s a step in the right direction. Get it? Toe, step.

Pisces Feb. 19 – March 20

Like penguins? Like digging holes with penguins? Great! Well, now’s your chance. Reenact the entire movie Holes using penguins instead of people. The second you scream out that horribly out-of-tune “that’s a wrap,” the penguins will accept you as their own. Now you’ll be as jazzy as Happy Feet, as funny as Madagascar and as loveable as Tobey Maguire’s mom if she were a penguin. You’ve made the big time.

Aries March 21 – April 19

Loki can tell that you’re onto something big. Finalize your plans for a new invention and enter it in Ole Cup. Bring that very undercooked loaf of meat in front of the judges and start plowing through that stank bomb until the judges award you first prize just so you’ll, “for the love of God, stop.” When you’ve fully recovered from a raw-meat-induced hospital visit, people will try to tell you that meatloaf has already been invented. This is unacceptable. Make a waffle out of lint and hair and make all the haters eat it by switching out their morning waffle for your abomination. Now called Loaf of Meat patent pending will sweep the nation.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

We’re headed to a world of extreme technological takeover. Time to turn your brain into one big barcode. Read the book Brain Surgery for Dummies and take a sharpie to your mushy pink mass. Then go to Walmart and scan your wee little brain to see in you can get a discount. Life pro tip: sell your brain high and then buy it back low. Woah.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Many despise lice, but they are a wonderful commodity. Rub your head against every door, door knob and door hinge on campus until you get lice. Once you obtain those obiedient little fools, you can implement your vision of world domination. Refuse to cleanse yourself of these so-called “pests.” Once you have the number of lice on your head up into the thousands, use them as your minions. Have them infect every surface known to man, but not before literally buying all the lice removal products in the world. Once everybody has lice, you can leverage whatever you want out of “the man.” If they refuse your demands, they’ll be sleeping with the lices, if you know what I mean.

Leo July 23 – Aug. 22

Y’all remember the campus chupacabra named “Ol’ Man Dogbeast?” No? That’s what Loki thought, because the school covered up its perfectly executed plan that killed the bloodsucking folklore legend. Ol’ Man Dogbeast was the sweetest, most murderous little buddy. It’s up to you to bring this campus favorite back. Open up your soul to the devil himself, and the rest will work itself out.

Virgo Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

No summer plans? Find yourself a cougar. I’m not talking about a seductive older woman, no, I’m talking aboout the beast itself. Wade into that golden Natural Lands bush and stalk yourself a cougar. That’s right there is a pride of cougars in the Natural Lands. Is it pride? Bunch? Buncho? Muncho? Mancho? Womeno gender equality? Nacho? There is a nacho of cougars in the Natural Lands.

Libra Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Make a difference in the world. Seriously, for once in your godforsaken life, make a difference. Remember that one time you didn’t hold the door for that person even though everyone knows you probably should have but you didn’t because you were so stressed and honestly believed your time was more valuable? You owe karma this one. Perform your favorite yoga position, upward facing dog, while fusing two microscopic bikes together in order to make a sweet tandem ant-bike. It’s different. Do you get it? It’s a difference because it’s something different. It doesn’t make sense but that’s the point. It’s different. Deal with it.

Scorpio Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

It’s finally nice out. Time to break out that birthday suit and get that glorious tan while getting exercise. Go on a run around campus. Slowly people will join in and, before you know it, St. Olaf will become a nudist colony. The government will be so surprised, they’ll give the school a ton of funding. Pocket that money for yourself in your skin pocket that you made on your thigh because you don’t wear clothes anymore, remember?

Sagittarius Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Give back to the community. Eat dinner with an elderly person who can’t hear that well and a total bro who can’t stop saying “sup.” The bro will continually say “sup,” and the elderly person will continually say “yes, this is supper. How are you doing, young man?” The process is self-perpetuating. You’re bridging age gaps.

Capricorn Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Snap, crackle, stop. Why did you think it was a good idea to snap every bone in your body and crackle every paper on campus? Go flatten every piece of paper back out and don’t even think about getting a cast. This is punishment, not therapy.

Aquarius Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The seniors shouldn’t be allowed to graduate. They all broke the honor code by collectively dreaming about cheating on their finals. Don’t ask how Loki knows this, just know that Loki watches all your dreams like a crow watches a person with a half-eaten chicken Chipotle burrito with mild salsa but no guacamole because the person forgot that extra $20 bill their parents gave them for their birthday in the car. However, the honor council will never believe you, so take matters into your own hands by making hands out of everyone’s caps and gowns and then slapping all the seniors with their own gown hands. Justice served.