Aries: Rumor has it God is an Aries. Interpret that as you will.
Taurus: You are so mysterious and brooding, but your large iced caramel mocha latte negates all of that.
Gemini: You’re an artist, an icon, a visionary and maybe ambidextrous?
Cancer: Red is your color this week, go be sexy.
Leo: Take a break, go to therapy.
Virgo: You don’t actually know what horoscopes are, and yet here you are, pretending that you do.
Libra: Your caffeine addiction is concerning your friends. Try swapping your third cold press for an herbal tea today.
Scorpio: Please be safe this weekend. We know what you’re gonna get up to, horny bastard. 😉
Sagittarius: Stop wallowing, go read Jake Maranda’s column on A2. Or just watch the movie Inside Out.
Capricorn: Your fear about having chosen the wrong major is accurate, it was a bad choice, but it’s okay because none of us are getting jobs anyway.
Aquarius: You’re kind and have a great taste in music. Keep up the good work friend.
Pisces: You cry when you kill spiders but will also kick someone’s ass, the duality.
Graphics by Sadie Favour ’23