Dear Honeys on the Hill,
I just broke up with my boyfriend! It feels good to be single, but it seems like my ex took no time at all to revel in this freedom. He moved on so fast! I hear from mutual friends that he’s already talking to other girls and, at the Pause dance last weekend, I saw him grinding on at least three people.
Now, I’m definitely glad we’re not still together, but it hurts a little to see him forget about me so fast. I’m still processing, and he’s onto the next person! I’m not the only one this has happened to either. I know of several relationships where the guy takes no time before he’s moved on.
Why do men move on so fast? What do I do to combat this feeling of loss all over again? I mean, I was the one to break-up with him, but now it feels like I’m more upset than he is.
Not Fast Enough
Dear Not Fast Enough,
We know this feeling all too well. Especially on this small campus it’s hard to go through a break up and see your ex on a caf date the next day. First, you need to remember that everyone processes differently. While it may seem that your ex has already moved on, it’s very possible that they are still hurting and missing you.
Women are often more vulnerable and open during a breakup because they have grown up in a culture that encourages them to express their emotions, whereas men are discouraged from showing signs of weakness or emotional fragility.
While it is perfectly okay for you to feel angry, sad, confused and hurt that he appears to have moved on so quickly, try to remember that it is likely not the case that he has already forgotten about you. Cherish the environment that allows you to be surrounded by your girlfriends and ice cream and tissues after a breakup, and know that he is probably still mourning –there is just not a culture that supports him doing so openly.
And remember, just like in “The Tortoise and the Hare,” slow and steady wins the race. Don’t let the way he’s processing make you forget that there was a reason – if not multiple – you broke up.
Stay strong and hold onto your truth. In this situation it may feel like you have lost the power you felt like you held. Remember – you’re still as powerful as ever and you grow more powerful every day. Lean into your other relationships and recognize the control you’ve always held over your own life. You own your reality! Keep being honest, and trust your gut.
The Honeys on the Hill
Having trouble navigating the St. Olaf dating scene? Need help finding a date? Got more dates than you can handle? Or have a response to this week’s column? E-mail your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org and maybe one of our love columnists will answer them in next week’s issue. All submitted questions will remain anonymous.